This was going to be a post about loafers. By my mention of them, I suppose it still is, but only as a stand-in for other things of little consequence. I was going to discuss the merits and drawbacks of loafers as a style of shoe, generally. More specifically, I was going to recommend the Madewell Elin Loafers as a great representative of the loafer style.
That was three weeks ago. While attempting to write, I hit a wall, emotionally, as I have time and time again in the past year. Though more accurately, it’s been like a continuous frantic swim to stay out of a whirlpool that has me by the ankles. The struggle has been more lost than won. Attempting to care about your job, or health or appearance slowly goes by the wayside until you wonder when everyone is going to figure out that you are faking every minute of the day. That a profound malaise is creeping over you and the effort it takes to behave like a human, instead of a lunatic who cannot stop crying in public, hardly seems worth it. (Oh, there are no seats at the bar for one? The world must be ending, this seems like an appropriate time for a meltdown.)
So because it feels like the world is ending, who gives a fuck about loafers? They cover your feet. So do slippers, or any number of styles of footwear. What is the point? The point, I realized, is that I liked them. That they made me, at least momentarily, pleased enough to recognize that emotion. And maybe that’s enough. Those are the moments you hold on to when the rest of the time you are being pulled back into the whirlpool. Because if you can experience that emotion, it means you are not resigned to a life of profound sorrow and longing, punctuated with merciful moments of numbness. That the best sustained emotion that you can feel is maybe, someday, going to be something more than “meh.”
It may start out as just a “hmm, that soft pretzel with cheese was good.” Or maybe, “this blanket feels nice and soft.” But maybe those moments will start to stick like when enough snowflakes finally accumulate for it to start collecting on the ground. At least I have hope that that is what could happen, even if I am not yet convinced it will.